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Fake News: Honeycomb cereal conspiracy leaked to the Sheaf

By in Distractions

MEMORIAL UNION BUILDING — An anonymous letter was found tucked under the door of the Sheaf office on Tuesday morning. Scrawled on a deconstructed Honeycomb cereal box, the letter, addressed vaguely to Post Consumer Brands Canada, included wild accusations of a recipe change to the popular hexagonal cereal.

In this manifesto, the writer complains about the flavour of what they call “bizarro-world cardboardcombs” and demands that the original recipe be brought back.

Though dismissed at first, the trials of paper production led the Sheaf to investigate the claims of the postally misguided individual, with the aim to support the anonymous cereal aficionado.

Our findings were entirely unexpected: an entire online community — a collection of individuals across the globe who dedicate themselves to getting the old Honeycomb cereal back — with some members offering up their own ideas of why Post would have changed their recipe.

While looking into the potential geopolitical motivations, power suddenly failed in the Sheaf office. Several Sheaf employees present at the time remember hearing shuffling in the dark moments before power was restored.

When power returned, another mysterious message was discovered, written on the floor in Honeycomb cereal pieces: “AG BUILDING 30 MINUTES.”

One Sheaf employee — who will remain unnamed for their safety — had taken to obsessively comparing types of Honeycombs and identified the pieces on the floor as original recipe. Intrigued, a handful of intrepid reporters took the plunge and went to the Agriculture Building to investigate.

After several hours, Sheaf members who stayed behind began to worry about the impromptu exploration team. While on the cusp of pulling together a search party, a lone member of the group came back to the office, acting incredibly strange.

Before sprinting out the door towards the nearest grocery store, the individual related a conspiracy surrounding the College of Agriculture and the changed Honeycomb recipe.

“The Dark Lord of the Pit demanded modifications to the hexagons of honey as a punishment against humanity for the disappearance of bees!” the staff member yelled.

This reporter has since been moved to other projects to recuperate their mental health. The Sheaf will continue to investigate the disappearance of two reporters lost on the expedition and to look into the findings of the anonymous cereal-box letter.

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