Aries: Love is in the air this week, Aries, but be wary of that special human who caught your eye in BIO 120. The waxing crescent moon forebodes a time that might reveal they’re actually a werewolf.
Taurus: Now would be a good time to phone someone you love and tell them that you’re planning an elaborate heist.
Gemini: The stars say it’s time book an appointment with your dentist, Gemini. The importance of dental health is easy to overlook, and it is always a good time to start thinking about your future.
Cancer: Consider trying a dance class this week! Someone told me you looked really weird at their cousin’s wedding, and I’m just watching out for you.
Leo: It’s probably time you took a hard look at yourself and really measured your successes against your failures. Growth takes reflection, and it’s best to get that out of the way before the unforgiving cold of winter.
Virgo: Cancel that Tinder date, if it’s making you nervous. Love is a temporal illusion, and it is safest to find comfort in solace, anyway.
Libra: Sept. 23 marks the beginning of your season, Libra, and there’s no time like the present to brush up on some banal topics of conversation. Take a gander at the history of feudalism, and see if you can draw any parallels to the blatant exploitation of human labour in the free market today.
Scorpio: It’s finally time to buy Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking in hardcover, so you can use it as a surface on which to roll the most tasteful joints, after you entirely scorch your Moules à la Marinière on the first try.
Sagittarius: Listen to that album your dad says shaped his young adult life, so you have something to make fun of him for at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Capricorn: Whatever you’ve been meaning to do, do it.
Aquarius: You might have been feeling anxious or worn out lately. Don’t worry about it too much — at some point in your life, you felt at ease, and it will happen again as long as you’re patient and take good care of yourself.
Pisces: Your ability to listen will guide you this month, so make sure you do not use Q-tips to clear your ears, because you risk pushing wax further into the ear canal and potentially damaging your eardrum.