Hangover remedies to save us all

By in Culture

There are few certainties in life — death, taxes, the lackadaisical manner in which the artist at Subway wraps your sandwich — and perhaps the worst certainty of them all, the agony and despair that awaits you in the morning following a night of drinking.

The hangover is the ultimate leveller — how we reached it, no two stories are exactly the same.  But the outcome is as unavoidable as it is painful.

Maybe I’ve simply been one to accept my fate with hangovers when I could have been heeding advice from outside sources to help me. My friends, my parents or even the unbiased, well-researched and ever-trustworthy medical sources who conduct their services within the confines of Reddit and Yahoo Answers: they mightgoofed know a trick or two to beat a hangover.

So, the question remains — what is the best hangover remedy? Depending on the person, specific remedies may or may not be successful. So instead of trying to find the one best hangover cure, here’s a list of various remedies that hopefully includes one or two that’ll help you out in a time of need.

1. All-you-can-eat-sushi: I’ve had a few hangovers in my day, and not once have I felt the desire to reach max capacity via Maki rolls.

2. A combination of cheap pizza, green tea and a stroll outdoors: Wait, a stroll outdoors? Don’t you mean avoid wherever my eyes may come into contact with a source of light? This suggestion isn’t for those sensitive to light in the depths of their hangover.

3. Exactly two litres of Gatorade and one Tylenol: The Gatorade must be blue and only a single Tylenol must be taken — if it’s Powerade, they say the hangover may last a lifetime.

4. Pedialyte: Yes, I mean the formula your mom gave you as a small child in the midst of a harrowing bout with diarrhea.

5. Shower: Both literally and metaphorically, wash away the alcohol. Just make sure the water isn’t too hot, or you may feel even more nauseous than you already do.

6. Sleep: Admit defeat and sleep the hangover off. You may have things you need to get done that morning, but let’s be honest, with this killer hangover you’re not going to be that productive anyway.

7. Sunglasses: There’s a price to pay with this suggestion — in exchange for feeling slightly better, you become the asshole who wears sunglasses inside. But it’s worth it.

8. Prevention: You’ve probably heard this last suggestion from your parents — in fact, it’s one of the first things they learn at parent school — and that is, of course, prevention.

In an ideal world, this last bit of advice might just work. However, we don’t live an ideal world, nor do we live in a world where people don’t want celebratory drinks after a projected F in Anthropology 101 is returned as a sparkling C.

Whatever the circumstances, more often than not, the following morning begins in much the same way — seemingly, the beginning of the end.

Next time, before the world marches on without you at the pace of the pounding in your head, take swift action. Stumble to the nearest sushi-and-pizza spot, double-fisting green tea and Gatorade — it has to be blue — and grab some Pedialyte on the way.

If none of these remedies work, well, maybe you should set down that Palm Bay, bid farewell to the bartender and come play cards with my parents.

Mark Anderson

Graphic: Laura Underwood / Layout Manager