[Fake News] USSU to just keep all your money instead

ROY ROMANOW STUDENT COUNCIL CHAMBER — In a highly uncontested vote, the University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union and members of Students’ Council voted on Jan. 18 to just hold on to all your money instead of spending it on dumb services no one uses. For USSU vice-president operations and finance Miller Stephens, the initiative simply made sense.

“Do you have any idea how much time and thought and money we’ve wasted on providing services that nobody takes advantage of?” Stephens said. “Did you even know we offered a service where people would actually just write your paper for you? Of course you didn’t. It’s Brunette Awareness Week right now and we’ve been putting on events that no one has showed up to. We fought to have elective cosmetic surgery covered under your student health plan and still we get no thanks.”

Stephens seemed resolute that these lost services would not be missed.

“I’m going to come right out and be real with you — I went ahead and suspended all of this stuff like three months ago and no one has said anything yet,” Stephens said. “I’m sick of it.”

Upon further research, the Sheaf found that the Information Centre has been boarded up and that U-Passes have not worked since late October 2016. When asked how the saved money will be spent, Stephens was hesitant to offer concrete answers.

“I really don’t care what we do with it, to be honest,” Stephens said, gesturing to a large garbage bag filled with cash. “There is no way we could spend it more irresponsibly than we’ve been doing for the past 108 years. I won’t have to worry about rent for quite some time — I can tell you that much.”