The University of Saskatchewan’s main campus is situated on Treaty 6 Territory and the Homeland of the Métis.

Fake News: New study shows this probably won’t get any better

By in Distractions

SOCIAL SCIENCE RESEARCH LABORATORIES — A recent study conducted at the University of Saskatchewan has delivered findings that are raising eyebrows. The study’s report concludes that, in all likelihood, things are only going to get worse from here. Affan Keeler, the author of the report, explains that despite students’ tendency to calm down at the end of each term, there is actually nothing to calm down about.

“Basically, in layman’s terms, what we have concluded here is that today is worse than yesterday and tomorrow will be worse than today, indefinitely,” Keeler said. “I was certainly surprised, as our team had previously theorized that the upcoming exam period might bring some occasional days of rest or even that things might take an upswing at some point, but we’ve unfortunately found the opposite. These results do not bode well for students, I’m afraid.”

The study was conducted through mood monitoring in a control group as well as through a review of median student grades going into the exam period. Keeler notes that these results are quite staggering in their implications.

“This really is a revolutionary conclusion to come to,” Keeler said. “This means that your first year will almost certainly be your best, if you can believe it. It also means that, all things considered, you’re likely having a great day compared to what’s in store for you next term. Given our findings, the best advice I could give would be to learn to sob as quietly as possible.”

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