GEORGE-PAUL O’BYRNE

Growing up, we were always told to treat others with kindness. Basic courtesy for your fellow human provides a strong foundation for society to function upon, right? Well, what if you can’t be bothered?

There’s plenty of selfishness and cruelty in the world, but if you’re going to do something, why not go all out? People need to be worse, and it can start with you.

You hear it all the time. Society is slowly breaking down. Youth have no morals anymore. Narcissism and materialism and all the other “isms” are running rampant among people. Except humanity has remained intact, and it’s honestly really boring. Where’s the harsh reality of survival in a cruel, damaged society?

Someone paid for my Tim Hortons this morning because I was short a few cents, and he wasn’t even a cannibal or anything! He just wanted to be nice. How are we ever going to meet our end-of-the-world quota if we’re treating other people with basic decency and kindness?

It’s all in the little things, those everyday opportunities for kindness, when you can just see God giving you a sly wink and saying, “Hey! Now’s your chance to impress me, buddy!” Imagine how you would want someone to treat you in a situation, then do the exact opposite because hey, they’re not you!

Next time someone sends you one of those class-wide emails asking for notes, ignore it. Or, better yet, give them false hope. Reply with a smug message and then attach a picture of you enjoying a beer, because you have free time, because you kept up with your notes.

Oh you missed a biology lecture? Listen mate, I can only produce so much Adenosine triphosphate, and if you went to the lecture, you’d understand that I’m probably going to need it to metabolize all the alcohol I plan on ingesting this weekend.

Strongly imply that you’re better than them as a person, because you don’t let understandable circumstances completely out of your control stop you from achieving the noble goals of higher education.

You got in a car accident? Defensive driving, man. Diagnosed with an incurable genetic disorder? Hey, those are your chromosomes, not mine.

If someone holds a door open for you, use a different one, especially if it’s out of your way. Make sure to glare at the Good Samaritan the entire time. You want to nick this person’s inner being in a way that stays with them for the rest of the day.

You want to drive a sort of emotional-splinter into this person for daring to imply that you can’t open a door for yourself.

If you’re in the opposite situation, try and hold a door open for somebody who is slightly too far away, so they have to run-walk to get there in time. When they do get there, slam the door shut, because you’re a busy person and your time is actually valuable.

Another good way to dance on chivalry’s grave is to never listen to anyone — ever. Don’t even listen to this article. You’re not allowed to.

I once read that every little noise you hear minutely damages the inner ear, degrading your hearing. If it’s true, then it’s physically detrimental to listen to people’s problems.

It’s not that I don’t want to hear about your break-up, Craig. I just have this feeling that someday I’ll be able to afford the only copy of that new Wu-Tang Clan album, and I want to be able to fully appreciate the work of Ghostface Killah and company.

I shouldn’t even have to mention the Arts Tunnel goblins — I know they’re just doing their jobs, but I’m trying to be 15 minutes late for class and I don’t have time to hear about something that’ll actually benefit me in the future.

Try and be rude to these people, so they know that you’re too important to be interrupted, but don’t go too far. I would never actively encourage physical assault on anyone, even Bank of Montreal representatives in the Tunnel.

Your goal is to annoy our entire society into breaking down. People won’t like you for it, but be the change you want to see in the world.

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Image: Jeremy Britz / Graphics Editor