NATAHNA BARGEN 

I am a woman who lives in constant conflict. I am a feminist and I am a hopeless romantic. This means that any complaint that I have of the opposite sex in regards to romantic procedures are immediately met with the challenge that I can take matters into my own hands as a modern woman.

I can assert my right and independence as a woman and woo that man and live that dream, 21st century style. I’ve found that this is not as simple as it sounds. It is actually through my hapless romantic pursuits that I have realized how much feminism is still relevant today.

The idea that men and women can act equally on the romantic playing field with the same risks and repercussions is a naïve and ill-informed view of the world we live in.

What does a man risk if he asks a woman out? Rejection, of course. Rejection stings, don’t get me wrong, but this is the extent of his worries. Society looks well on the dude who is man enough to ask a woman out. He gets a pat on the back and encouragement to do it again next time.

If a woman asks a man out she risks rejection, but on top of that the potential stigma of seeming desperate, controlling, aggressive, pushy — labels too damning for many women to take that first step. This stigma exists because when we think romance, we still envision the knight riding on his horse, pursuing that woman lounging in a tall tower and playing hard to get.

We’ve been told how men love the chase; they don’t want a girl that’s easy to get. Ladies: be hard to get, be cool, be aloof, and for heavens sake don’t let on that you like him before you know that he likes you.

But these are rules to a game that is no longer played. It has all been mixed up. In the name of feminism, men have stopped playing the hero and making that crucial first move. “It’s an equal playing field,” they say. “She could approach me as much as I could approach her.” So women fear the stigma, men live in the delusion of a new age of equality and no true romance is had by either.

I am a 23 year old woman and I have never been really, truly asked out on a date. Sure, I’ve been on a lot of excursions that look like dates, but I ask you, if no one hears a tree fall in a forest, does it make a sound? If no one ever calls it a date, is it really one?

The word is never said, and feelings are never admitted because that’s safer. By not admitting to true affection for someone, you allow yourself the escape route to leave unscathed. This selfishly allows you to drop — or be dropped from — a relationship while still having the peace of mind that you don’t have to ever admit to having felt anything.

It’s a protection mechanism, but I argue that it is more damaging in the long run than beneficial. This misguided self-preservation is crucially connected to the discussion about the growing isolation of our generation. We are a generation of low risk and, therefore, low reward.

I am at war with myself because I like my feminine independence but I still crave romance. I love that I can get a higher education, provide for myself, wear pants and ride a bicycle. I parade my independence and feel disdain toward those who think my highest aspiration is to be married and have babies. Is it then a contradiction to still dream of some man walking up to me one day and telling me straight to my face, “I like you. Do you want to go on a date?”

The problem today with heterosexual romance is confusion over the feminist timeline. We think we’ve reached the finish line, but the truth is that we are not living in a society where men and women have complete equality. This is a society still steeped in the remnants of patriarchy, and none of us know how to proceed. But until someone writes a book of romantic etiquette for Generation Y, we’re going to have to proceed with our own best judgment.

My advice: men, be braver; and women, you be braver too. Be brave enough not to settle for this confused state of romance and to push forward to a true equal world where men and women will feel at total liberty to express their admiration, to admit to feeling things.

Instead of having one of the potential lovers waiting in a tall tower for the other, let both men and women mount their trusty steeds and meet somewhere in the middle.

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Graphic: Stephanie Mah