THE UNIVERSITY OF SASKATCHEWAN’S MAIN CAMPUS IS SITUATED ON TREATY 6 TERRITORY AND THE HOMELAND OF THE MÉTIS.
THE UNIVERSITY OF SASKATCHEWAN’S MAIN CAMPUS IS SITUATED ON TREATY 6 TERRITORY AND THE HOMELAND OF THE MÉTIS.
JACOB PACEY
MacMedia Magazine (York University)
Republican Party Steering Committee: Memo No. 4763
RE: Alternate Obama Conspiracy Theories
Friends,
In light of the failure of the Birthers to convince America that President Obama was not born on American soil, I have devised a series of new conspiracy theories that we may use against the president.
While some are admittedly farfetched, by their sheer numbers I anticipate they will nonetheless deliver a devastating blow to his popularity.
Appended below (in no particular order) is the tentative list for your consideration and approval. Mr. Hannity says he wants them by midweek at the latest, your punctuality on this matter is much appreciated.
God Bless,
Richard B. Cheney
(1) Obama was actually born in Canada when his mother and father were on vacation for the day on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Every Canadian secretly knows this, which is why he’s so popular up there.
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he’ll trade us his corroboration on this matter as well as his Wayne Gretzky rookie card for one of our old fighter jets for the Canadian military.
(2) Obama beats his children. How else are they so well behaved?
(3) The reason Obama doesn’t visit Hawaii as much anymore is because Dog the Bounty Hunter is looking for him.
(4) The Obama family secretly accepted a bribe when the president went on Oprah. Shortly afterwards Michelle received a new mini-van for being in the audience.
(5) Obama is secretly an atheist — he does not go to church on a weekly basis. Bush found time for church and golf and visiting his ranch and kept an early bedtime throughout his eight years in office and was still able to successfully conduct a two-front war and maintain a healthy economy.
(6) Obama is also secretly a Muslim.
(7) Obama had an affair with the Jonas Brothers when they visited the White House on inauguration day. Am I the only one who has noticed they’ve stopped wearing their promise rings — coincidence? I think not.
(8) Obama has been reported to starve his dog, Bo, giving him only four-fifths of a cup of kibble instead of the veterinarian-recommended full cup — all as part of some twisted anorexic dog diet. This is animal cruelty and America will not stand for it. We are considering bringing Pamela Anderson and PETA in on this one. Actually, on second thought, maybe not.
(9) Obama had a beer at his high-school prom after-party — when he was under 21!
(10) Obama had sex with David Letterman to get on his show during the primaries. Why else do you think the D.A.’s office came down so hard on the blackmailer a while back? It’s not like he’s Leno or something, so who cares if Letterman will go down with Obama? It’s an ideal two-birds-with-one-stone situation for any Republican.
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